Thursday, October 20, 2016

31 Day Blog Challenge - Day 20

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Difficult time in my life

I've had a pretty fortunate life. Not many people I know have passed yet, no abuse or neglect in my life, no homelessness. Most of my stress comes from school and work.

My work stress comes from the situations of my students and knowing I can't help them without breaking any laws or crossing any boundaries. 

My school stress comes from my work lead, I'm in my seventh year of college and hopefully finishing in December with my Master's.

Back to an actual difficult time. When I was in 10th grade, my first year of high school, I went through what I decided was a short stage of depression. By short I mean most of the year but I diagnosed myself so I use the term depression lightly. I had a lot of friends, I wasn't being bullied, I really don't know what happened. One day I just started feeling like I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I'd come into school and hide under my jacket all day, not say anything most of the day, have lunch in my guidance counselor's office. My friends were all really concerned, they tried asking me what was wrong, they tried tough love, they cared. I would go to school and wait for the day to be over so I could go back home, then at home I didn't want to be around anyone and I'd stay in my room all night, not getting any homework done which would add to the stress. I just basically wasn't doing anything at any time of the day. 

Wow this is really hard for me to talk about I've never gotten into detail with anyone about this time in my life. I felt like because I didn't have any traumatic event happen and that there were people with much worse lives that no one would care about my internal issues and think I was just whiney baby. I also didn't know how to verbalize what the problem was because I really didn't know.

Anyway I think the downward spiral stemmed from the workload. When I was in junior high I was in honors classes, then in 9th grade I was taken out of some of them, then in high school I wasn't in any. My friends were always talking about AP calc this and AP world history that and I was barely comprehending my regular courses. Maybe I was feeling inadequate and just went under a rock. I'm very lucky that I didn't turn to drugs or sexual acting out or any number of things that could've happened, especially where I grew up. Eventually I just came out of it, I don't really know how. My guidance counselor really helped. She was really the only one I talked to during that time.

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